Sherry, Who

I always made sure I got to the café first. Not because I desperately wanted the Americano that Alistair would have to buy me as a consequence of arriving last – a deal we had made to discourage tardiness – but because I was so broke that I honestly couldn’t afford the three-dollars-plus-tip it would cost me.

Just like how I always made sure we met on the 12^th of the month so that I could use the index and middle fingers on my left hand to cover the scratched-off number on the far-right side of the daily pass for the streetcar, and then ride again for free later in the month. The left hand was better to use since it meant holding the pass further away from the driver upon entering the vehicle and thus made it easier for an overpaid government employee to mistake my carefully executed sleight of hand for just a casual grip; my fingers subconsciously pointing the streetcar operator’s eyes towards the illegitimate blue date begging for attention amongst an abundance of unadulterated aluminum.

It worked every time.

Past tense.

We’re Faster Than That

First of all, yes, that’s my (girlfriend’s) dog. Why is that picture there? Well, I’m actually trying to draw your attention to the little note from Facebook at the top of the screen – which I’ll get to in just a second – but since Ramses is just so goddamn cute in that sweater, I figured I’d kick things off with a dose of “aww”.

Now that you’ve finished cooing over that handsome little guy, go ahead and read that statement (outlined in red) from Facebook carefully: “Unlike texting, there’s no per-message charge and no limits.” It’s advertising its Messenger app, supposedly because Facebook claims that people respond 20% faster when they have the app installed. Which is to say, about as quickly as people would respond to any form of communication, be it a phone call, a doorbell, or even a text message – it takes until the person responds. Being notified of incoming communication sooner than later doesn’t necessarily lead to a quicker response. But that’s not the technicality I’m pointing out. My issue is when companies make claims based on a false premise as to why you should use their product.

Now, technically speaking, yes, text messages sometimes can – and certainly used to – be a pay-per-use service. But in 2015, when an increasing amount of even elementary school students have smart phones, Facebook’s statement begs the question: Who doesn’t have either unlimited texting, or at least 100 free texts per month these days? Here in Canada, the three largest mobile phone providers all offer unlimited nationwide texting on all their plans. (But Graham, what about those of us who don’t live in Canada?) Well, my phone is in Canada and my phone (and the Facebook website) knows that. Still, it tries to sell me on its app when it knows the only people paying a per-text fee today are getting their phones from 7-Eleven, and at least you know you’re not going to get a bunch of small talk from those people.

What it boils down to is this: It’s purposely misleading to say your service is better than another service when the other service you’re referring to has been obsolete for years. That’s like saying, “Hey, our internet speeds are way faster than dial-up.” Well obviously! It used to be that if you and a friend wanted to look up a movie showtime you’d have to get off the phone, take ten minutes to navigate through the website, write everything down, and then call your friend back.
“Oh, great! And did you see how much tickets are?”
“Damnit, I’ll call you back in 20.”

But now you can be on speaker phone on your cell while checking the Flixster app while cross-checking the theatre’s website, and you can have all that information, plus pay for the tickets and choose your seat, in 45 seconds total and you can do it from a boat. There’s a lot of room between those two examples. Even getting through the website in two minutes would cut my time in less than half, and that’s way faster than dial-up, but that doesn’t even come close to letting me live my dream of day-trading exotic animals on the black market from my yacht.

Technically speaking, a 1Mbps download speed is way faster than dial-up, but of course we know that ain’t gonna cut it if daddy wants to teach a lesson to some 12-year old jerk in GTA who thinks that just because he gets free room and board at home he’s therefore safe from me sending mercenaries, putting twenty grand on his head, and blowing the hell out of all his fancy cars after he backs out of a heist.

“Unlike texting, there’s no per-message charge and no limits.” Yeah, and unlike women, men are allowed to vote. Again, technically speaking, there is still one country where women can’t vote. I don’t think it’s fair to say which country it is, but I will say it’s heavily Catholic and it’s the Vatican City. But for damn near all argument’s sake, women have the vote in every country in the world. Men are only unlike women in that they have the right to vote if I’m talking about women before the early 1900s.

When Facebook claims that its service is better than an obsolete relic – rather than a current competitor – it’s trying to pull a fast one on us. But, like the dial-up speeds of yesteryear, we’re faster than that.

Hogtown is Hurting

So, after a decade of living in the largest city in Canada, I’m finally ready to say it:

I hate this city. Almost.

Let me first be clear: the opposite of love is not hate, but apathy. For me to say I hate Toronto is to say I still love it deep down, but I know it can do much, much better. Toronto has raised me over the past ten years and, like any truly loving child ought to do when they see their parent’s behaviour fall to such low levels, it’s time for me to tell the old man he’s gotta put down the bottle, apologize to Aunt Betty, and start wearing pants to family functions.

And while I certainly don’t think I’m alone in my lacklustre appreciation for the tee-dot, I’ll speak for myself when explaining why I’ve become fed up with this sprawling cluster of condos we call a city.